my complicated life

with the recent controversy over the Kris Aquino and James Yap marriage, almost everybody's heart goes out to Kris inclding mine. i was so sad on what has transpired between the two of them, or should i say, the four of them (including the third party and the innocent child). however, i have never imagined that i would be in the same situation as Kris.

yesterday, i was able to read my hubby's YM transcripts with his supposedly "bestfriend" back in the philippines. yes, it was an invasion of privacy but hubby had given me his online account passwords for me to check out on him once in awhile and prove to me that how faithful he is. however, his conversion with this girl was different. it seemed to me that they have some sort of a "history" together. well, past is past. if they indeed has one, i wouldn't mind as long as he tells me the truth and promised not to continue it again.

after reading the the said logged conversation, i was really shaking. i don't know if it's because of anger with hubby's dishonesty, pity on myself and our baby, or hatred for the girl for messing with our married life. i called the girl and calmly relayed to her how she's making me feel. hoping that as a girl, she would somehow understand the situation and hopefully won't tolerate hubby's flirting. i know naman kasi, even if a guy flirts, when the other party don't respond, he'll eventually stop. i have called the girl because i cannot expect guys to stop flirting, it's in their nature. well, i'm speaking generally. i was hoping that she being a girl and supposed to be "just a bestfriend", would take the initiative to shun away from hubby on her own. although my conversation with the girl got cut-off, i somehow managed to get the message across. after that phonecall, i called hershey and cried. cried to the max. i am so sad. tama si Kris, this belongs to one of the saddest days of a wóman's life.

after an hour of pouring out to my friend hershey my heartaches, i have decided to go out. actually, hubby and me are supposed to go out today. but after i took my shower, i immediately took off without speaking or waiting for him to be ready. i need to cool my head off, think and be calm before i confront him. i went to the church instead, asked for God and Mama Mary's help and for them to take care of my baby even if i am in such a mess. i joined in the Station's of the Cross novena and somehow felt that Jesus is sharing my pain. i couldn't help to cry even at church. syempre, medyo pigil with all those people around. i have asked for guidance as to what to do and poured what my heart feels. i believe that Mama Mary listens to my prayers and helps me with my heart desires. when hubby and i are still going out, i have asked Mama Mary if he's the one and after we got married, i even asked her to grant us with a little baby. she has answered my prayers and i was hoping she will guide me again today as to what's the best thing to do or say or believe in.

i went home around 7PM finding hubby watching TV. obviously, he knows there is something wrong with me as he is very silent. i turned off the TV and told him we need to talk. i told him that i knew about his conversation with this girl. i asked him to explain things to me. he has told me that everything was just "playing around" and that it shouldn't make me feel less loved. he said that it is still the insecurity and jealousy that's killing me and that shouldn't be the case as he has never cheated on me. he promised not to chat with the girl again. a promise that i am not so sure he would keep but still hoping he would for our baby's sake. anyhow, he knows how affected i am. i have asked him if he wants to leave me or don't love me anymore. he answered that it was only me who was entertaining that idea. he embraced me and my tummy, kissed me, stroke my hair, reassured me... the sorts of things he used to do to weaken my angry heart. it did.

honesty, i was prepared for a break-up no matter how much i love him. i dunno what to believe in him anymore, but i always hold on to his decisions. if this is a sign of being foolishly in love, then i am one of the fools. i am holding on because of our baby and our family. i don't want him to grow up without a dad. i don't want him to grow up confused as to where to go home to. what i really wanted is a happy family. as long as hubby hold on to us as well, i will choose to believe to what he is saying. however, i hope God will help us to be true to ourselves and keep us binded to achieve all these.