my complicated life

after almost 15 days, me and lance are going back to UAE. marvin will be trying out as a chance passenger.... i will be coming back with a confused mind, a love and respect going down the drain and a trust that is completely broken. as to how marvin will fix things, that i do not know and is yet for me to find out. as for now, he claimed that everything's over between him and the girl. he told me that from now on i shouldn't worry about it. to show that he has nothing to hide anymore, i will now be taking care of his finances including allowances which he needs to send to the philippines. though i still have doubts on his claims i am risking again at the moment because lance embraces him at night, the delos reyes family loves lance so much and because i know he would do the best thing for lance (or the next best thing, at least). i made him choose which family he plans to build and he chose us. this is something i should hold on for now... (okay, aside from the fact that i know he got ditched out, bwahahaha).

me and lance had to come home to Manila ASAP for my father's wake. marvin said that we should take the Gulf Air flight so that it will be the three of us who will come back to UAE together.

the trip back to Manila was very difficult because lance is throwing off feats on the plane. good thing i was able to sit beside rolly's sister and another kind bicolana who helped me out in pacifying lance when he's at his worst. we arrived early in Manila and marvin fetched us at the airport. lance started showing off to his father. i was just casual as i don't have the energy to be angry at this time.

we reached home around 5 PM and i immediately went to tatay's casket. his face was so heavy and i felt his pain. i didn't cry as much as i have had too much crying yesterday and the days before already. it's as if all my tears ran dry. i felt angry inside but i was trying to hide it because i know it is too late. too late that i wasn't able to dance with my father on my church wedding, too late that i wasn't able to bring him in the UAE and enjoy its winter, too late that he wasn't able to see lance walking and talking, too late that we were not able to show him that he means so much to us... so sad.

me and lance stayed in my sister's house. during the funeral, all sorts of emotions and reasons for depressions came in. depression on what happened and what is happening in my families. i guess, it is also tatay's way of trying to fix things for me.

i was taken off balance with the recent happenings at the start of the year that is why i wasn't able to formulate my 2008 resolutions on time. however, now that i have managed to be still i think it is just right to have my resolutions in placed. here goes...

you are not the first man that i have loved but i promised myself that you will be my last. i have gave my all to the point of not leaving some for me. you let me believed that you will never hurt me the way others did. and what do i get after all of these things... broken promises and shattered dreams.

sabi ko sayo noon, 1 or 0 lang. i won't take half or even 3/4. you agreed, you convinced me that i am the One. bakit ganon? i dunno when exactly you started lying. has it been a lie long before? hay, ang sakit-sakit. unexplainable how hurt i am.

when i first fell in love and get dumped, i feel like my heart has been broken down to a thousand pieces. ngayon, hindi lang thousand pieces because i am hurting not just for myself but for my baby. reconciliation? what is there to reconcile? we didn't fight because of something. i am letting you go because you don't love me anymore. yep, no need to deny it because i can feel the difference and i can see that your smiles are entirely different when you are with them.

i don't know what is to happen in the coming days. all i know is that ayoko nang ipagpilitan pa ang sarili ko. i don't like to hope that we could build a happy and peaceful family. enough is enough. it's a new year and i like to start a new life.