my complicated life

boat trip, hammam, eating a lot or ice cream didn't worked. :( i am more depressed now than what i have been a few weeks back. been looking forward for a happy christmas, but it just didn't happen.

for the meantime, i will try burying myself into solitary. deactivated my FB account and hided myself from the online community. will gradually change all account names and passwords until i am finally left all alone... unreachable... what else is new? i have been all alone for a long time. :(

p.s.

after 5 years of going on- and off-line.. i am finally saying goodbye to blogging my personal sentiments.  nobody cares on how i feel, anyway. haha. it took me awhile to realize that!

goodbye.

am taking a trip by myself... that is, without lance. in a way, i am excited about it because it will give me a chance to take my mind off things. however, i am that too happy when the people i am supposed to be with weren't complete. kat and berna were not able to make it. =( berna encountered a visa problem while kat is in amidst of a family problem. only me, eys and jerrold was able to board our 11AM flight that turned out to be 12:30 AM.

we boarded via the Saga Airlines, a chartered plane. it wasn't too bad. the food was edible. they served us pasta with white sauce. the plane was a bit warm but the temperature improved when it got settled on air. it took us 4 1/2 hours to reach Istanbul. we were fetched by the Fly Express representatives who was friendly and helpful as she can be.

Istanbul was around 17 deg C at that time. we got stuck on a traffic on our way to our hotel in Taksim area. grabe, i lost track of time sa sobrang tagal! sobrang gutom, sobrang pagod. it was drizzling at the same time. Istanbul as a city is a bit crowded. parang Manila lang with all those penthouses with chimneys. =)

we reached the hotel after 10 years, i guess. hahaha. anyway, we were not disappointed as opposed to the online reviews on Golden Age Hotel. it was not that golden but it was not that bad, as well. okay lang, we get what we paid for. clean enough. the beds were done nicely but there was no coffee or tea-making utensils inside the room and no welcome fruits or wine (hihi. ambisyosa!), too.  the good plus were hot water, a hair dryer and a TV are all available. hmm.. it wasn't 4-stars in my standards but it wasn't 2-stars either. i will give it 3-stars. oh, there was no A/C nga pala, but a heater for the room is available. good thing, it's winter so we just open the windows to let the cool air in.

we rested for around 30 minutes, did some unpacking and of we go and explored the nearby establishments. we had our first taste of Turkish cuisine in a small restaurant.

----- to be continued ----

i was able to attend the 5th day of the Misyong Pilipino last night. it was... hmm... i dunno how to describe it. whatever the word is...it made me feel good to unload my heavy heart. good thing, they purposely turned off all the lights. the whole area was just lit up by the candles on the altar. fr. arlo asked the whole congregation to talk to Jesus. to ask him for forgiveness, to seek healing (physical, spiritual, emotional) and to give thanks.

i cried a river. i suddenly missed home and as usual, i missed my tatay. after the mass, i feel the urge to go home to the philippines. ewan ko ba. i need to breathe fresh air yata. =(

i asked for forgiveness for doing things against His will and yet, He still treats me as a friend. forgiveness for hurting the ones that i love and for not doing the things that I am supposed to do. i asked for healing.. physical, spiritual and emotional... i really needed it now. i feel battered, tired and hopeless. most of all, i utter words of thanks for the countless blessings that i am continuously been receiving. marami-rami rin pala.

last night, i promised myself that i would try to be a better person. ang hirap. hahaha. i tried to withhold myself from doing things that i want versus what is right. i didn't succeeded. however, i ended up being hurt doubly than before. ang tigas kasi ng ulo. pinagpipilitan pa kasi.

today, i realized how foolish i am.

i had a colorful month. overjoyed. overwhelmed. over-stressed. over-booked.

my schedule has been fully-booked... weekdays or weekends, nighttime or daytime. it is tiring. physically and emotionally draining. almost run into a public bus one morning coz of a blank mind. yeah, with all the things i had to think of, i chose to think of nothing. and with all the things i need to do (help friends with their party preparation, make personal errands, go to the doctor , be a good mother, etc.), i ended up finishing nothing.  i am burdened, i am uninspired, i am miserable.

decided to pause for awhile.

i have been attending a week-long retreat in St. Joseph Church, entitled Misyong Pilipino. each night, parishioners were asked to take one bible verse to bring home to. last night, i got this: