my complicated life

don't get me wrong. i love the essence of wedding celebrations be it grandiose or a simple one. watching two people exchange vows or simply smiling on each other during the ceremony or the celebration gives me goosebumps and gets me teary-eyed.

i used to research a lot about this occasion because once in my lifetime, i have dreamed of being a happy bride myself... i have dreamed of being escorted by my father and mother down the aisle with all the beaming faces who came to witness such a joyful celebration. i have dreamed of cutting the cake, toasting a wine.. yes, i had that dream.

that was long ago. i am now way past that delusion.  i will never be a happy bride. i won't be escorted by my father and mother anymore. i will forever be carrying my maiden name. i will never ever cut a cake or toast a wine with a groom.

i have stopped browsing through wedding magazines or websites. i shun away from seeing wedding pictures. i don't like attending wedding ceremonies or wedding celebrations. yes, i am now a wedding Scrooge.

wedding still gives me goosebumps and it still makes me teary-eyed. that's why i don't like witnessing such. i am not jealous of the bride or groom. apparently, i am happy for them. i am absolutely happy for the bride that she was presented to the public and that her groom is so proud of her. the groom, on the other hand, earned my deepest respect and admiration for taking all his efforts and all his love to show the bride how he values her happiness. for giving her the one dream all girls aspires. they deserve to be happy. they are lucky to have found each other. such lucky people.

still, i hate weddings. it makes my heart quench... i am silently being stabbed... i wanted to cry. wedding celebrations just reminds me how unlucky i am as a girl. it reminds me that i am not someone special enough to be presented, be made up and be photographed. it also reminds me that my father is not here and that there's no one to escort me anymore. it just reminds me that not all of my dreams will become a reality. maybe, i will only be made up and photographed inside the church during my wake. how sad... yes, weddings make me lonely and sad big time. =(

okay, so i still have maximum of four years of stay here in the UAE. as much as possible, i want to shorten it to maximum of 2 years only (2011). however, i still have some things that i want to do (and buy!) before finally setting down under. lemme pressure myself. hahaha.

three (or four) items to do. i have two years to make it happen. goodluck to me.

it'll be almost 6 years since i have been employed here in the UAE. i wouldn't call it glorious though. my personal life has been a good example of giddiness. my professional life has been....... stagnant. yep, the first year was great. new things to learn, willing professors to guide. however, after that first year... things just went so slooooowwww and so booooring. each day, i feel like i am detriorating and losing each and every plus points in my CV. anyhow, i have been researching about signing up for an online course. i have found some good ones yet costly, too. hahaha.

in the midst of the search, i find enrolling in TAFE OTEN more appealing. i am thinking of getting the Occupational Health and Safety Course which will run for a year or so. hopefully, when things are settled with marvin's employment and lance's nanny, i can get things going.

i am more inclined to get this as it involves both safety and management skills. most of the quality management job posts that i find often combine these two together. secondly, the course is also recognized throughout Australia thus it is equivalent to studying in Australia as well. thirdly, since we'll be moving to Perth where mining and oil and gas industry is predominant, anything concerning safety is in demand.

sigh. i hope things get settled soon.